You will never know peace

It had been long. So long that he could barely remember the date. Beneath the frail shell, here lay a man he knew too well in yesteryears: a hard man to please. Stubborn. Demanding. Or may be its him who was rebellious and errant. May be .

That was then, for here and now :the wrinkled and wrinkling by the ticking of the clock hands clasped on his, sandwitched underneath the skin and bones that are grappling with osteoporosis are conspicuous veins.
So crystal clear that he can see blood flowing through them. A glance, through the window that welcomes some breeze into the room. Its a strange breeze, more of a death wind howling. Another glance on the clasped hands, he holds them gently ;they are so flagile he trembles at the thought of having them squashed.

The silence in the room is palpable, save for the chyming wall clock. Its been 3 minutes and half of awkwardness. He knows this man is staring at him, but he still cant master the courage to look into his eyes.
But this is just not any other man and neither did he land here out of the blues. This is his father-his real father!.

From the adjacent room he can hear a cough; it must be another man. Its a bad cough; one that makes you think that someone must be sucking air out of his lungs. It ultimately dies off with a squeaky sound of a lowering gear that would do better with some grease.

Tick …tock, five minutes it is. Hands clasped. He realizes how cold his father’s hands are;or may be its his or both-just like their relationship had been . Cold hearts-cold hands -intertwined.

” You…, the uneasy moment is finally broken. He finally looks at him . Behind the sunken eye sockets , an open mouth reveals layers of plaque on his teeth through comes a weak voice .
“Does anyone ensure that he gets his mouth cleaned…how long has it been since he saw a dentist . He thinks to himself . But why should i even care for a man who condemned me ? “. He quickly suppresses those thoughts.

He coughs and tries once more ; summoning all the breath reserves he has left.
“You w…..” . He coughs again.

Tears are rolling as memories of the day that father and son got enstranged to each start replaying . Its like watching an old movie clip in a solitary cell in Alcatraz over and over again. You know the script too well-word by word. Just that its a mental cell whose walls are built of the spirit of rejection that is too high to scale.
The person who bears the keys stayed way too far, waited way too long, till now and abit too late.
This movie had played a zillion times before ,thousa nds of miles away but this was different; he was here with him, hands intertwined.

“You will never know peace !!”. These words kept hammering in his mind. That was the doorknob statement from him the day he had turned his back away from his own father, and from the very people he called family since these words were uttered. A fresh college graduate went ahead to live his own life, away from his hurting father, his abusive, invasive, intrusive and demeaning father . From all that he had walked away and never looked back , till his mum through a friend they recently met sent a message , ” Your daddie is dying, he wants to make peace with you. Son , please come home”.

But what peace and what home ? He debated this for days before pulling himself together to travel home. It didn’t feel like home anymore. He was an alien. An unwanted son-the black sheep of the family.

He noticed the scar on his father’s forehead and remember how he threw souvenir sculpture to him after ordering him to prepare the fireplace in drunken stupor. It had rained so hard and some of the wood was wet. A sliced and bleeding forehead amidst wails from his mother_he escaped into the dark night that marked the beginning of turbulent days,months that turned into years that knew no peace.
What he couldn’t see is the invisible scar that this man bore, how he had wished to be reconciled with his son but pride overtook him. The son who would run to his arms, call him daddy, paint old tyres with him and get all messy with acrylic paints was long gone. No, this can’t be the son who took dirt paths and ran , making him search for him in the woods. That sweet and gentle spirit that would sit on his laps and fall asleep while embracing him got engulfed in defiance, rebellion . A sore relationship . He was all to blame.

The real test of Love

Beneath the appealing iceberg of life

The errant kids

He jotted down the addresses of some people, then loaded his son and daughter both up with their own trailer load full of ready-made food and told them to deliver them at once. It was a day before Christmas. The entire family had fed to their fill. He told them that this was an assignment of love manifest. That they should know that while they have had enough, there were some very hungry people in the town.
All the son and daughter had to do was to distribute the food to these addresses. When the two children returned home at nightfall, they hung their heads in shame when their father greeted them. Tell tale signs that things must have gone down south : only to realize that they had greatly displeased him.
At first he thought they had fallen for self indulgent behaviours or worse still that the trailers crashed and the food got spilled.
He drew the curtain and saw both trailers parked by the frontyard. So he shoved through the kids to check what was amiss.
When the father returned shaking his head, he asked them why both trailers were full of the same food they had left with, they both began to cry as the son explained first:
“You see daddie, I started up the first neighbor’s driveway only to be met by a barking dog and I didn’t know if the dog would or wouldn’t bite my arm off. I was afraid, so then I went to the second house.
A couple of the family members were sitting on the front porch coughing away. It was that kind of a deadly cough that feels like someone is sucking air out of their lungs. I figured they might be sick from hunger; but I didn’t want to take a chance and catch their germ, so I got out of there.I thought to myself that you must have got the address wrong.
When I arrived at the third house, there were children playing outside and daddie, you should have seen the dirt on them and their clothes looked like they hadn’t been washed since they bought them. I figured the food would only help them momentarily, so I left there also .”
Then it was her turn as the father then questioned her.
“Father , I went to the first house eager to help but when I drove up, you can’t imagine what I saw!
Those people are rich: they had a nicer car than ours, a big swing set for their children and can you believe this… they even had a trampoline out in the yard “.
The daughter continued, “ So, I got to think, these people don’t need this food. My father must be mistaken. They could actually afford to buy me stuff!”
“And the second house?”, her father asked.
“You see daddy, I was walking up their sidewalk glad to share our food when I heard the prettiest music coming from inside. It sounded like live music and, well I know I probably shouldn’t have done this but since the curtains were opened a little, I peeked in, and sure enough, everybody in that family was playing some sort of instrument. One was on the piano, another had a tambourine, one had a guitar and a teenage boy even played a saxophone!!. There was a beautiful violin lying by the table and i thought to myself just how long has it been me praying to own such.”
Her father stopped her and asked what that had to do with her not delivering the food.
“Well, I didn’t even bother to leave the food there because they seemed well off financially to me having all those instruments and all.
” And besides” the daughter added, “ they were all singing happily and playing: some form of rejoicing i havent seen in such a long time . Now tell me daddie, who does that with biting hunger pangs ?.
They had to have been happy. Why! They didn’t even seem to have a care in the world!”
The father was so unhappy with his children, he had heard enough.
He scolded them and told them, “You both have leaned on your own understanding, for you have looked on the outward appearance and have judged falsely, rather than obeying what you were told to do! .
Further, by your erroneous prejudice you have become a form of disgrace to your father. Now, what shall be said of such children that judge by the outward look ?. You didnt even care to know that which was in my heart when i sent you out. This was a special assignment but you didnt realize that what you see is not what lies underneath.
There are hurts that are carefully concealed with smiles, homelessness concealed with having to sleep in a basement. Torn apart families, enstranged sons and daughters who gather under the allure of holidays-yet the bonds withered away.
Others are without people they can call family and here you are: filled with goods and favour and yet you barely realize the measure of love afforded freely unto you. Does it cost anything to be kind to such people ?.
For this, you will have no fruit to eat for you would not share what you had and now it is too late, for the worms are consuming the food at this very hour that these hungry families could be eating.

When will you stop being opinionated and start loving as I love?
You look but you cant see, hear but have a lean undestanding !
When i sent you out, God put it into my heart. All you had to do was to obey to that voice. It could have been a measly amount but throught that God desired that they will see Him and be drawn to Me when they see love!. Now tell me, is that not a way of the world to see His life in us ?”

From this day on , kindly take heed that there are hungry people all around us. There are different forms of hunger. They may not be walking around with hanging faces but just because some are smiling doesn’t mean they are happy and can’t use a kind word of encouragement.

Beneath the cover of nomalcy

He jotted down the addresses of some people, then loaded his son and daughter both up with their own trailer load full of ready-made food and told them to deliver them at once. It was a day before Christmas. The entire family had fed to their fill. He told them that this was an assignment of love manifest. That they should know that while they have had enough, there were some very hungry people in the town.

All the son and daughter had to do was to distribute the food to these addresses. When the two children returned home at nightfall, they hung their heads in shame when their father greeted them. Tell tale signs that things must have gone down south : only to realize that they had greatly displeased him.
At first he thought they had fallen for self indulgent behaviours or worse still that the trailers crashed and the food got spilled.

He drew the curtain and saw both trailers parked by the frontyard. So he shoved through the kids to check what was amiss.

When the father returned shaking his head, he asked them why both trailers were full of the same food they had left with, they both began to cry as the son explained first:
“You see daddie, I started up the first neighbor’s driveway only to be met by a barking dog and I didn’t know if the dog would or wouldn’t bite my arm off. I was afraid, so then I went to the second house.

A couple of the family members were sitting on the front porch coughing away. It was that kind of a deadly cough that feels like someone is sucking air out of their lungs. I figured they might be sick from hunger; but I didn’t want to take a chance and catch their germ, so I got out of there.I thought to myself that you must have got the address wrong.

When I arrived at the third address, there were children playing outside and daddie, you should have seen them. All soiled up with dirt and their clothes looked like they hadn’t been washed for ages. I figured the food would only help them momentarily, so I left there also .”

Then it was her turn as the father then questioned her.
“Daddie , I went to the first house eager to deliver this sumptuous meal but when I drove up, you can’t imagine what I saw!
Those people are rich: they had a nicer car than ours, a big swing set for their children and can you believe this… they even had a trampoline out in the yard “.
The daughter continued, “ So, I got to think, these people don’t need this food. My father must be mistaken. They could actually afford to buy me stuff!”

“And the second house?”, her father asked.

“You see daddy, I was walking up their sidewalk glad to share our food when I heard the prettiest music coming from inside. It sounded like live music and, well I know I probably shouldn’t have done this but since the curtains were opened a little, I peeked in, and sure enough, everybody in that family was playing some sort of instrument. One was on the piano, another had a tambourine, one had a guitar and a teenage boy even played a saxophone!!.

There was a beautiful violin lying idle by the table and i thought to myself just how long has it been me praying to own such.”

Her father stopped her and asked what that had to do with her not delivering the food.
“Well, I didn’t even bother to leave the food there because they seemed well off financially to me having all those instruments and all.
” And besides” the daughter added, “ they were all singing happily and playing: some form of rejoicing i havent seen in such a long time . Now tell me daddie, who does that with biting hunger pangs ?.
They had to have been happy. Why! They didn’t even seem to have a care in the world!”

The father was so unhappy with his children, he had heard enough.
He scolded them and told them, “You both have leaned on your own understanding, for you have looked on the outward appearance and have judged falsely, rather than obeying what you were told to do! .

Further, by your erroneous prejudice you have become a form of disgrace to your father.

Now, what shall be said of such children that judge by the outward look ?. You didnt even care to know that which was in my heart when i sent you out. This was a special assignment but you didnt realize that what you see is not what lies underneath.
There are hurts that are carefully concealed with smiles, homelessness concealed with having to sleep in a basement. Torn apart families, enstranged sons and daughters who gather under the allure of holidays-yet the bonds withered away.
Others are without people they can call family and here you are: filled with goods and favour and yet you barely realize the measure of love afforded freely unto you. Does it cost anything to be kind to such people ?.
For this, you will have no fruit to eat for you would not share what you had and now it is too late, for the worms are consuming the food at this very hour that these hungry families could be eating.

When will you stop being opinionated and start loving as I love?
You look but you cant see, hear but have a lean undestanding !
When i sent you out, God put it into my heart. All you had to do was to obey to that voice. It could have been a measly amount that lasts a day but throught that God desired that they will see Him and be drawn to Him when they see love!. Now tell me, is that not a way of the world to see His life in us ?”

From this day on , kindly take heed that there are hungry people all around us. There are different forms of hunger. They may not be walking around with hanging faces but just because some are smiling doesn’t mean they are happy and can’t use a kind word of encouragement. You should indeed know better next time.”

He quipped as he embraced them since they were crying a river already.

 

Sexual abuse, the untold misery

BLOOMING ON THE OUTSIDE BUT DYING DEEP INSIDE.
At times prospective Job seekers or interns that are on placement undergo untold misery before securing themselves a place or are slapped with pre-recruitment conditions some of which are talked of in hushed tones.
A young wo(man) with bills to pay, or even a family to support is put into compromising situations especially when what lies between them and their dream position is a request for sexual favours. It’s an ugly place to be. While some will simply turn down the manipulative sexual advances, others are temped to give in bearing in mind the desparate situation they are in.

“Well, if going down South Gaza just once will secure me this job-then why not? . No one will even know, not even my family members or my partner (husband). “
This monologue continues as they haggle on whether to get laid or not.

We met a lady in a conference late last year and she permitted us to share this. Hers was not even a case of a new employee that everyone in the office wants to get to know, she was heading a department in a financial institution and her supervisors were proud of her ideas that had polished the image of the company and came up with appealing packages for customers . Her star was rising – and all was going well till it was appraisal time.

The request was subtle-a coffee out so that ” I can know you more” as he bit his lip suggestively. Although she never gave in, she was expressing her sorrow that she hadn’t secured another job 4 years later after flatly refusing to sacrifice her dignity on the altar of a self seeking male who was after gratifying some lust and make her the talk of the office thereafter. She had reproach smeared all over her face, yet feeling defeated as she tries to secure a job without having to part her legs. We saw courage. Someone who made a resolve to stand firm against the tides even when it’s so tempting to go with the currents. She needed someone to reassure her that she did the right thing by walking away . We did.

For those who go to thighland- what they don’t realize is that once laid, its a leeway : which takes you farther than you would want to go and make you stay longer than one would ever imagine.

Once you sleep your way into a job or an internship position, or get caught up in a sex for grade fiasco, you also will have to sleep to stay there. You put pen on paper not just to a contract, but also into being a subject , an object – a sexual slave !!!. It’s an altar you service with tears and blood. Talk of agony. You will tire of it but you are trapped, at the mercy of your adversary.

If it was in a discreet place the first time, things will degenerate soon. Even the office boardroom or in the car park in your adversary’s car as you wait to be picked will suffice. When they aren’t around you they will ask to see you and show them what you are wearing. Don’t mistake this for bow ties,stockings and tuxedos . It’s nudes. You shall never be able to quench the demands for more. You feel trapped, you need the position and so you play along. The oppressor holds the knife, the bread and the butter.

How all this makes one feel is a teary affair that can’t be discussed over here. Totally reductionist, appalling and disgusting. Some may hide this for sometime, others forever as they ” testify ” of how favoured they have been all their life. What they don’t show is the scars, the moans, the dirty feeling deep inside of them every time they have to do this. Some have had to even engage in orgies to gratify their “masters “. Horrible “unpleasantries ” beyond imagination and endless visits to the doctor after being “contaminated “. Blooming from outside but dying in the inside.

Finally, when one is unable to disentangle themselves from this web , a cocoon of self vilification is built around. They find ways to suppress this shameful feeling : substance abuse – like alcoholism, or self gratification practises like watching pornographic material. Just something they can chew on like a bone. The thought of it constantly being hammered in your head that the position one holds is not because they were the best qualified for it but for other reasons is depressing to anyone with a clean conscience.
Their fate is predetermined for as soon as the oppressor gets a new pair of pectorals (breasts) to foddle- there goes your replacement, they will even be assigned to you to orientate them and you will never know what catalysed your being fired.
One would rather die or live on their knees than take up a job knowing too well my being sexually preyed on is just a question of when-its bound to happen. If it has ever happened to you then its a pointer to that it has happened to others too. It did hurt, it still hurts : do not suppress it, don’t bottle it up. There is help-someone free of prejudice is ready to help your wounded heart, your bleeding heart. The fear of being judged has never helped anyone. It’s tantamount to flogging oneself to a pretorium and you are doubling up as the prosecutor and the judge. You will be too hard on yourself thinking it is your fault. That it was your fault. The truth is that this is a pervert. Every little move was calculated with precision and you like a fish reeling towards the bait found yourself in the status quo. It didn’t start with him ( her ) lifting up your outfit or the unzipping and everything else you would rather even not remember. You needed a position : a source of earning a decent livelihood for yourself to start with but someone else had a different lens. You didnt have to dwell there forever .It’s time to get help.